Not Our Plan but HIS

For some time Matt and I have had the talk about when we were ready to add another little one to our beautiful family.

Last summer we decided we were ready.  I didn't want to have a 'winter' baby so we started trying right around the time to have a 'spring' baby.

I've always said I wanted to space out number 3 a little more than 2 years.  Ryan and Colton are two years and twelve days apart.  I love that but I knew I was not ready to have another baby when Colton turned two.

We LOVE LOVE LOVE our boys and I love being a boy mom but it's been both of our hearts desire to have a baby girl.  I would LOVE to have another boy and would adore him and fall head over heels in love with another boy but there is this part of me that desires a daughter so much.

I did all my research and we began our journey.  Honestly I didn't think it would take very long since I got pregnant quickly with the boys.

This past fall, right after Thanksgiving, we found out that we were expecting baby #3.  We were thrilled and super excited to add this new baby to our family come late summer.

Immediately I had it all planned out.  I would get to spend quality times with the boys this summer going to the park, the pool, the zoo etc.... and our family would grow and things would be perfect.

Everything with my pregnancy had been going smooth.  I had just a little sickness in the beginning, a little heartburn but feeling pretty good over all.  We went in for my first appointment at 9 weeks right after Christmas.  We got to see the baby on the ultrasound and see everything looked great and things were progressing well.

Last Tuesday, January 28th,  I had my 13 week appointment.  The boys were suppose to both be in preschool but it was cancelled due to cold weather so they came along to my appointment.  Matt had to work but I assured him all would be fine and I would report back to him later.

We had not told Ryan or Colton about the baby and wanted to keep it under wraps a little while longer.  I asked the nurse not to say anything about 'a baby' and that they just knew mommy was coming in for a check up.

The nurse called us back and we got settled in a room.  The doctor came in shortly afterwards and made a little short talk before saying we would take a look at the baby with an abdominal ultrasound.

The boys were totally in to their iPad and leap pad and had no clue what was going on.  He started to scan my abdomen and declared that he couldn't get a good picture and it was too grainy to see anything.  He said we would need to do an internal ultrasound.

He got everything ready then pulled the ultrasound machine closer to him, towards my feet.  I immediately thought that was weird, I wanted to see the monitor of course.  I studied his face intently as he looked at the monitor.  He asked me when was my last ultrasound was and immediately I knew something was wrong.  He proceeded to say he was so sorry but that unfortunately, this baby did not appear to be measuring where it should and there was no cardiac movement.  The baby was only measuring 8-9 weeks.

My heart stopped!  I was shocked and stunned.  I didn't know what to do.  I couldn't cry, I couldn't sob, all I could do was sit there and think "my world just completely changed in one second".  After discussing everything with the doctor I had to round the boys up and finish talking with the nurse.

I honestly feel like it was God's provision the boys were there with me that day.  I couldn't totally lose it and fall apart.  I had to keep it together for them.  I had to take care of them and that's what I did.

I went in Friday morning for a D&C.  Clearly the baby had passed several weeks ago but my body had not reacted and still thought it was a viable pregnancy.

The procedure was quick and painless.  I had a wonderful nurse and all the staff showed so much compassion and gentleness to our situation.  I'm so thankful for that.

Our amazing friends kept the boys for us Thursday night and Matt's parents took them Friday night and part of Saturday.  We are SOOOOOO thankful for wonderful friends who have shown us so much support with cards, meals, help with the boys and especially their prayers.

I've come to realize that miscarriage is SO common and happens to so many women.  We have been so encouraged and loved on by our friends.

We don't have answers and have no idea why this happened but we DO know that God is still sovereign and He is still good!  We don't have to have the answers, He just calls us to have faith and trust.  I keep telling myself, out loud, that His plan for us is way better than any plan we can have for ourselves.

Jeremiah 29:11 is my life verse and I keep repeating it to myself.  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you, not to harm and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

Yes, He will bless us with another baby, but we don't know when and we don't have to.  I know He has a plan for our family and I trust Him with all my heart.